


Like playing bingo in hell

by doomed_spectacles



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Affectionate Insults, Banter, Bingo, Dialogue-Only, M/M, So Married, Teasing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-14 00:48:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29784639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doomed_spectacles/pseuds/doomed_spectacles
Summary: "You know, talking to you is like-”“What is it this time?”“It's like when you open a box of chocolates and you peer inside, all excited and happy. Then you pick the first one, bring it to your lips, take a bite, and it's strawberry dream.”“I like strawberry dream!”“You would.”
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 24
Collections: Name That Author Round 11





	Like playing bingo in hell

**Author's Note:**

> For GO_Events Guess-the-Author game with the prompt: Bingo/Bullseye
> 
> Thank you to [@IsleofSolitude](https://archiveofourown.org/users/IsleofSolitude/works) for hosting and to the events discord fam for the fun and screams! <3

“It's ineffability. You can't second guess it, Crowley.”

“I can and I will. Did, in fact.”

“And look where it got you.”

“Myeh.”

“No offense, of course.”

“You know, talking to you is like that couple of seconds where you're changing forms and you're trying to remember how to manifest the correct eyeballs. There's a moment where you have a human body but you forgot how complicated eyeballs are and there's just a mess of nerve endings in your face. It's terribly unpleasant, is what I'm saying.”

“Charming.”

“I'll see you later.”

* * *

“But you see, the church will eventually split, and-”

“I don't see. And you don't either.”

“Be that as it may-”

“Let me guess, ineffability.”

“Ineffability, yes.”

“You know, talking to you is like perpetually having a hangnail and no teeth to tear it off with. Your gums are as smooth as the underside of a snail. But the worst part about it isn't the mastication or lack thereof, no. You're stuck with grog and prune juice for sustenance and you've accepted that fact. You can live with it, but there's a hangnail on your right hand, the dominant one, and you can't bite it off.”

“Lovely. Just lovely, my dear.”

“You staying in Amsterdam for a while?”

* * *

“Let me get this straight, the official position just changed? Like that?”

“The memo was quite clear.”

“What about all the people from before?”

“What people?”

“All the people we got down below because the position was hardline. Zero tolerance. What about them?”

“Er-”

“Forgiveness isn't retroactive, I'm assuming?”

“Well-”

“If you say ineffable I'm going to throw this drink in your face.”

“You won't.”

“No, I won't, it's good beer. You know, talking to you is like playing bingo in Hell.”

“How does that one work, exactly? What makes playing bingo in Hell any worse than playing bingo with a bunch of old ladies in a run-down old gymnasium in Sussex that smells like talcum powder and feet?”

“Nyeh. It's- you wouldn't understand.”

“Mm-hmm.”

* * *

“But you have to admit it's nice the way the candlelight plays off the-”

“I don't have to admit anything.”

“Would it kill you to admit something was nice? That you enjoy something other than mischief and mayhem?”

“Yep. I'd melt where I sit. All that's left'd be my boots under the table. Those are valuable, by the way. So when I'm sizzling into nothingness, screaming in agony, just remember first off that it's your fault and secondly, to get a good price for my shoes.”

“No one wants your shoes, Crowley.”

“That's what you think. You know, talking to you is like-”

“What is it this time?”

“It's like when you open a box of chocolates and you peer inside, all excited and happy. Then you pick the first one, bring it to your lips, take a bite, and it's strawberry dream.”

“I like strawberry dream!”

“You would.”

* * *

“Come up with something! _Or I'll never talk to you again!_ ”

**Author's Note:**

> [say hi on tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/doomed-spectacles)


End file.
